What I Wish Others Understood
Hey Friends! Today I wanted to share my thoughts on a more personal topic. Even though getting personal can be intimating, I believe it is important to share our hearts with others. You never know when you can touch someone by just relating to them.
I started this post when D was away and I am finishing it a week after his return.
If you can understand please share with me as well.
What I wish people understood about my anxiety.
I am not depressed. I am not crazy. I am not losing it. I am not sad. I am not overcome with negative thoughts. I am not even a big worrier. But I do have anxiety.
I do not want to feel this way. I do not want to feel anxious and nervous. I do not want to feel like I am being smothered by so many people around me but yet all alone at the same time.
I feel terrible when the anxiety sneaks up to me during a moment and get short with others. I become so disappointed in myself.
I have always been this way to a certain extent but being alone, a world away with a little life depending on me has made it overwhelming at times. What if I do something wrong? What if something happens to me? What if I cannot make enough milk for him? What if he sees this anxiety in me and mimetics it himself? I do not want him to see me sad. He deserves to see me happy and be happy right?
Then my love, my rock, the most important person in the world is so far away. I worry about his safety. I worry about his happiness. I worry about his mental stress. I cannot add anything more to him stress load. He has so much. He is away from his wife and baby. Who am I to feel lonely?
Truth is though I do. I’ve never felt so isolated and more pressure in my life. I understand the elephant on the chest analogy now.
When he returned I guess I thought it would magically go away but it has not. It is better but the adjust is harder than I thought. I still get overwhelmed and it is hard to just stop. Stop the to do lists and the feelings that if I just stop I will become so behind.
Question: Can anyone understand? I am so happy and blessed in life, but still have an underline struggle with this nervous anxiety.